Monday, September 15, 2008

But My God, It's Beautiful When The Boy Smiles

A boy at one of the public high schools in my town died in his sleep last night of natural causes. It got me thinking..

There's this girl I know from way back when. Let's call her Stacy. She's pretty much one of those people that you look at and get really annoyed at because she has so much potential to be successful. What do I mean by successful? I mean, a happy person. But no, she is riddled with insecurities that lead her to paranoia. Stacy is desperate but she won't settle for just anything or anyone. No, even though she has no one and nothing, she still believes deserves the best. And so Stacy exists in a constant state of sadness because the cream of the crop has not yet passed her way and that somehow life is out to get her.

I used to be her. And it scares me to see Stacy because I could have so easily turned into her. It's kind of like how Frodo is both fascinated and horrified by Gollum. He sees how easily he could turn into a worshipping monster, a slave to his lust for the One Ring. And yet, at the same time, Gollum serves Frodo as a positive reminder, showing how far he is from this beast.


"Cold be heart and hand and bone. Cold be travelers far from home."


I don't know exactly at what point I stopped being Stacy. In my private allgirls middle school I prided myself in how secure and happy I was with myself. This kind of died when I started high school. So.. apparently not then. Teenage angst coupled with just being naive in general about everything lead to stupid decisions with wrong people. (Okay I know that sounds like I turned into a crackwhore who made special friends with boys on motorbikes, but I swear that's not what I mean.) And then I got over it all. I had a boyhating phase. Until I found this one boy who I didn't hate very much. He was... tolerable, I suppose. (<-- Pride and Prejudice reference anyone?) For once, everything was simple and sort of fell into place by themselves. There wasn't a fuckload of drama drama that ended up with nothing but unhappy people and ridiculous rumors. I actually spent a week thinking that somehow something would swoop in and destroy everything horribly. Nope, instead for once, it was perfect and more importantly, it involved a pretty perfect person.

It's simple at first. Everything falls in place around it. Everything is simple. Until suddenly you find yourself sitting in your head and everything gets complicated. All the things you promised you would never do. Compromise things, fall into the trap of overanalyzing, worry when there is nothing to worry about, become horribly aware of all those little faults you have known all your life but had been pretty sure you hadn't let anyone in close enough to figure out. Fuck. I had turned into that girl.

But then the day comes when you find out that it doesn't count as a compromise, not when he's involved. And the overanalyzing is just a plight of girlkind. And that you only worry because you care and that you are just slightly neurotic in general. And those little faults? He might just find them adorable.

At the end of the day, things are always still simple. And it's always nice to have a boyfriend ready to dispense hugs as the weather gets cold and you stubbornly refuse to wear pants, and instead don your ridiculous miniskirt. Yes, I use my boyfriend as an accessory. It's okay, he's slightly metro. He understands.

No comments: